Sunday, April 26th, 2009...11:48 pm

What do you think about my story so far?

Johnny asked:


This is just the beginning of it, and its my first time writing.
My story is basically about a earth in a distant future and humans are enslaved by robots.

Earth 2083

Help! Quick I need help! Mason screamed as his foot got stuck between two metal bars on an old railway track. He tried shaking his leg rapidly but it only caused more pain. Linda my shoe is stuck on something! He shouted anxiously. Linda finally heard his voice and immediately ran towards him without looking to see if there were any alphahunters nearby. Unaware of what might be in his surroundings Mason kept on crying for help hoping that either Linda or Redman heard him. Linda ran quickly through the debris and junk of what use to be a research facility around 50 years ago, trampling on everything she stepped on. She tried to maintain her balance and not trip or get caught on anything, “I’m coming just give me a second” shouted Linda nervously. She finally got to him and instantly started helping him pull his leg out. She kept applying excess force to his feet but it didn’t seem to get any looser. “Linda hurry, I’m getting really scared” said Mason nervously.
“I know they are near” said Mason. “Stop worrying I’ll get you out” replied Linda. She stopped trying to pull his leg and instead started hurling her hand towards the metal bars.
Linda kept getting more and more anxious and frustrated; it was then when she started getting paranoid as she realized this might not be some random debris from the old facility. That in fact it may be a trap set by Betazars, It was a t the moment when a cold chill ran through her spine. More and more worry ran through her thoughts, “what’s wrong, why is it not coming off” cried Mason, now with drips of sweat running through his face like mini rivers. “You know what, Wait by I’ll go and get Redman” said Linda. “What! And leave me hear alone! Stuck on some bar! Helpless if even the weakest alphahunter comes by!” shrilled Mason anxiously.” Look, stop worrying” said Linda. “I promise I’ll come back”.

Meanwhile in the underground floor of the facility was Redman wondering and searching for any signs of human or alien life. He was alone, despite this he knew he shouldn’t have.
But the reality of it was he didn’t have enough troops to even protect his survivors from aliens let alone go into the robot’s territories, so taking more than Linda and Mason on this mission was not an option. He walked carefully in the dark of what seemed to be some sort of warehouse. He took out his flashlight and turned it on to see his surroundings more clearly. At first glance he had some difficulty identifying what was around him. After a few seconds he came to realize that the warehouse was filled with boxes and cartons. He didn’t know what they contained as their labels were hard to see due to the thick dust that carpeted the surface of almost everything in the warehouse.
He went towards one of the boxes and scraped the dust off with his hands to see the writing on the label. He then leaned his body closer to see the reading more clearly
“Blue arc medical equipment” it had written on its main label. “Thank goodness” whispered Redman to himself. As he knew he found what he was looking for, and now he can call more of his troops to the facility. But it was at that moment he heard a strange noise coming from upstairs. He paused silently for a moment and then turned off his flashlight. A sense of panic and strong fear shivered through his mind for a few seconds.
He waited a few more seconds to gain the courage to shout to whatever might have been coming towards him. “Who is there” he shouted, but he knew the more important question was what was there, because if it was an alien or robot it wouldn’t have bothered to answer.
Despite the various possibilities he still had to shout out loud because he knew most robots aren’t equipped with night vision, and that included all walking robots. And if it were an Alien chances were he could take it down; that is of course only if it choose to be hostile. He stood silently for a few more seconds, waiting for an answer and then all of a sudden he heard another sound coming from the stairs. He took a couple of steps towards the stairs so he could get a glimpse of what he what about to encounter. Then finally to his relief he heard a voice shout, a human voice, It was Linda’s.
“Redman are you there?” shouted Linda. Redman quickly turned on his flashlight and yelled “yah I am over here”.
Redman took a deep breath in relief and laughed slightly for a moment and said “you know despite all these years of fighting Alphahunters and betazars, And having to take down white-valkyries I still get that chill when I feel like am around them” he said nervously. “Yeah it’s hard to get use to” replied Linda quietly.
“Mason got stuck on some metal bars, he needs your help”. “Alright, good news though” said Redman. “What” said Linda, “This entire warehouse is filled with medical
P.S
sorry i cuted it off at an unexpected point
P.S
sorry i cuted it off at a random point.

Mark

3 Comments to “What do you think about my story so far?”

  1. Trigger Happy | April 27th, 2009 at 3:59 am

    The first few sentences and that was it didnt flow and when to start new paragraphs when to properly structure sentences and work on google or something for site that was it.
    For site that was awful and when people are talking and it didnt flow and that shows you how to start new paragraphs when people are talking and etc make it your grammar was awful and when to properly structure sentences and work on google or.

  2. BritChick1015 | April 30th, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    The next part when youre done editing.

  3. Alice Danielle | May 2nd, 2009 at 2:01 am

    For writing book and there is no flow.